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While I was late to the game joining PonderandPly and MarieJelenka‘s fabulous #FemiknitsMAL (thanks work!) I have started crafting my feminist uniform and started to think about what it means to me.

Yesterday I started a LinkedIn learning course based around female leadership called “Become a Courageous Female Leader”. I was ready to feel empowered, to learn ‘tips and tricks’ to succeed at ‘Penetrating the C-suite’ (their words, not mine), and instead what I learned was a load of crap.

Yes, you read it: crap.

The main advice that was given was to “[Look for where] those gaps are [in your industry] and those opportunities to lead change”. So basically, look for ‘space’ where you might fit in (because no one else has yet). It irked me to hear these words, and I picked up my knitting for the rest. Why should I change myself to fit into a box? Why shouldn’t I go for what I want, rather than where there’s a gap? Why doesn’t a courageous female leader carve a path out for herself rather than finding a space that will accommodate her?

The course left me thinking: can I be a courageous leader AND be a feminist? If I listened to the presenter, the answer would be no.

But you see, the one thing I’ve really learned about feminism is it isn’t just about the femme. It’s ironically about the homme. In a world so male-centric, it figures that female feminists would need support from men who too, are feminists. It’s not about finding those ‘gaps’, it’s about finding a voice to create your own route to mass global domination (just kidding!). But when the blockers are men and the glass ceiling starts to break our necks because were pressed up against it with no space to breathe, it’s time for the male feminists to give us a helping hand and pass down the glass-breaking hammer.

Very broadly speaking, I have worked for 2 types of men: the feminist and the misogynist.

The misogynist I met in my mid-20s and he made my life a misery as soon as he walked through the door. I was the only female on our team and I wasn’t hired by him, but rather by his predecessor. I was good at my job. It took me a long time to get back to saying that after meeting him, but this is a fact. I was respected, I was a valuable member of the team, and I kicked butt at my job.

His only two topics were around football, and cars. Stereotypical “male” topics. Regardless of what ‘gender-norm’ they fit, they did not fit me. He was excluding me from casual water cooler chat and he did not support me. He did not coach me, he did not look to find answers. He cut me off when I spoke, my words meant nothing to him, and when I offered answers, he looked to my male colleagues for confirmation before he would go ahead.

I cried, one too many times in his office. He got angry. He screamed at me so loudly that even through closed doors, the whole office could hear him. He clenched his fists, he banged the table, and the vein in the side of his head started throbbing so wildly through his red face that I genuinely thought he was going to hit me. The fact is: he would not have behaved this way if I had been ‘one of the lads’.

It broke me, and I no longer work there. I’ve heard he still behaves this way and asserts his dominance in a way that I am not the last woman who cried in his office…

It took me a long time to bounce back, to find my voice again. This came more ‘naturally’, or should I say ‘confidently’, when working for male feminists. The fact is, research will show you that the cards are stacked up against us: men rule the world and they rule business- so to reach those great heights as a woman, you need the support of men building you up, rather than knocking you down. This is how I would define a male feminist.

They’re not unicorns either! Male feminists around me are those who believe that I will succeed and give me guidance, coaching, and the opportunities to be the best person I can be. Not the best woman, the best person. An equal. They will fight my corner when I need to, and I would do the same for them: because we function as a partnership, a team. The truth is, feminism shouldn’t have to be a thing, but it exists because of the divide that the past has created, and until a time when men and women are treated equally- feminism will exist.

Having the support of my male colleagues, having them ‘have my back’, having them listen to me, having them want me to succeed, is something that has not only strengthened me and helped me become more confident, but it has hugely helped my mental health. I don’t fear crying in the office, I don’t fear getting singled out. I love my job and I love coming to work every single day, and I can truly put that down to my team and leadership. They’ve given me my voice back.

So if you’re a female reading this: know that there are male feminists out there who will treat you as you deserve to be treated. We must find them and know them, and continue to carve paths out for ourselves. We were never meant to fill in the gaps. We are warriors.

If you’re a misogynist reading this who thinks that women have a ‘place’ and belong in the kitchen: fuck you.