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I’m three weeks into my six week Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) treatment. What started as tears locked in a glass phonebooth in my office facing my ‘problem statement’, is now a half hourly chilled chat with an activity to do during the week.

I’ll be honest, I had NO idea what to expect when the option of CBT was given to me. Aside from not wanting to spend time with strangers doing activities or lectures through Microsoft Teams, this seemed like the best option for me- just before lunchtime, and from the comfort of my sofa.

I’ve had symptoms of depression for over ten years now. I have certain triggers and traumas that I try not to dwell on, but for the most part, it’s been handled well with medication. But, as with everything, medication shouldn’t be a permanent option, and my sertraline had started to wear off to the point I found my mind disappearing back into those dark corners one usually associates with depression.

So CBT- I won’t give you a scientific explanation, I’ll give you the definition I’ve learned. Basically, depression leads to low mood, which makes you less productive, which makes you withdraw which makes you feel worthless which leads back to low mood. So in essence an extremely debilitating vicious circle.

CBT is about essentially forcing yourself out of this circle, by getting involved in activities that are a) necessary; b) routine and c) pleasurable, that you may have forgotten about or put off.

I don’t think this knowledge would have impacted my initial consultation however when I was faced with my problem statement. Hearing my ‘problem’ back with someone else’s voice, caused me to fall in on myself, and I found tears streaming down my face in the middle of the office in an entirely glass phonebooth with no escape route.

I was terrified that this was how it would be for the following 6 weeks as I started the therapy. My best friend was in pieces, my confidence was shaken, and I realised that the inner turmoil I had done my best to conceal was only a problem statement away from being let loose.

So 3 weeks, or halfway in, where am I? I’ve been asked to look at what my activites are during the week. Truth is, my life can be categorised: sleep, work, eat, knit. I do little else. I feel exhausted just doing that. The problem statement should really be ‘I am exhausted all the time’, but every GP will tell you it’s all because of ‘low mood’.

Low mood, low mood. So CBT is supposed to help my low mood. Once my activities were listed, I need to look at introducing routine, necessary and pleasurable tasks back into my life. Understood. The thing is: necessary and routine tasks I’m fairly astute at doing. I don’t miss payments on bills, I do what’s necessary (admittedly sometimes at the last minute), and I do things that usually bring me pleasure.

Now I’m being told that I do too much, because while yes, my life can be categorised, I do do a lot of things within those categories, and have I considered maybe that’s why I’m tired?

The pleasure aspect, however, I only really get at the ‘end’ of the not-so-pleasurable task, like finishing a WIP, or any kind of sense of achievement really. Or spending money- that really makes me happy, but it’s not sustainable. Food- that makes me happy, but the weight-gain – not so much!

So in all honesty, I’m not completely sold on CBT. I am reasonably active in my pursuits, if I want to do something, I do it. I also don’t think any of these things are helping me work towards defeating my demon problem statement. In fact, the result of CBT is me having my study finally clear and tidy by spending 20 minutes a week on it – which I’m already over-exceeding.

Is CBT right for me? Currently I’m thinking it’s not, but only the next 3 weeks will really tell- and from there I guess we figure out how to cut another arm off the demon…